by Charlene Armstrong

When did the Me-Me stop mattering? When did the Mom-Me become more of a priority? More importantly, why am I okay with that?

In mid 2020 I was formally diagnosed with clinical depression. I had to have a good long look at myself – my lifestyle, my physical appearance and my general state of mind. Suffice to say I genuinely disliked myself.

For some weeks leading up to my diagnosis, I was puzzled. Why do I feel this way? When did I start feeling this way? It was impossible to pinpoint an exact moment in time. From when I first became a mom, I would often find myself feeling trapped in this weird, crazy limbo. More recently, I’ve often found myself reminiscing about the Me I used to be pre-kids, and the Me I have become, the Mom Me.

Take into account the balancing act of holding onto both of those personalities, throw in a couple of kids, a marriage, a triple dose of mom guilt and the atomic bomb that is the Covid-19 pandemic and… BOOM. Living a ‘balanced life’ blew up in my face before I could even get close to having a handle on it.

What is this so-called balance and who decides when one is living a balanced life anyway? Isn’t it all just an act of skill? Like a waiter balancing plates in a jostling and bustling restaurant, there is always the possibility of multiple things going incredibly wrong at any given moment.

At the end of the day it is just about juggling a million balls and trying your best to first tend to the balls that are about to fall and break. I am increasingly finding myself feeling pressured by the illusion of balance. The thought that, “if I could just balance all the million responsibilities – the housework, homeschooling, work, healthy eating, exercise, faith… If I could make time to engage enough with my children, connect with my husband, be a good friend, sister, daughter, aunt, person…” then I would feel more like I have my shit together.

Somehow, I have convinced myself that feeling like I have balance is what it will take for me to achieve happiness and contentment. Never mind that, as time has passed, my personal goals and ambitions have stopped featuring on the list of important things to work on (lest they take the place of a closer-to-falling-and-breaking ball in my juggle).

Something has got to give and it may as well be what matters to me because everyone and everything else comes first, right? And let’s just add “self-care” to the list while we’re at it. When did the Me-Me stop mattering? When did the Mom-Me become more of a priority? More importantly, why am I okay with that?

In my quest for balance, things have become very unbalanced. I have lost myself to exhaustion, depression and a general lack of direction to the point where I finally had to ask for help.

So, I call BS on balance in Motherhood. My belief system no longer includes the fact that living a balanced life is attainable or required. I don’t believe that if you perfectly manage the million responsibilities a Mother or Woman is faced with, you will feel a sense of balance. Balance looks different depending on where you are at and what you are faced with.

My advice to anyone asking? Give yourself permission to drop some balls, go easy on yourself when the load feels heavy, see a therapist, ask for help. It’s okay to say if you feel like you are not coping, and if the Mom-Me has to take a backseat because today you have to make time for the Me-Me. I say… You deserve it.

Charlene is cohost of The Great Equalizer podcast. She is Mom to Josh, AKA JDawg (5) and Jess, AKA Little Red (3). She’s also married to Rhett who is #notanasshole.⠀

** This piece was first published by Embrace.org.za as part of their Mothers on Lockdown series during South Africa’s Women’s Month in 2020.

CALLING BS ON 'BALANCE' IN MOTHERHOOD